Hipster Douchebag Football Blog

Look at these fruit bags

Ricky Williams is my favorite football player of all time – there, I said it. Two times even.

This motherfucker was drafted by the Philiadelphia Phillies when he was only in High School. And then drafted a few more times because even baseball executives know that the baseball draft does not matter. In College football, dude was a two-time All-American and won the Heisman Trophy while at Texas. He was drafted fifth overall to the Saints in 1999 after Mike fucking Ditka traded away all of his picks to move up to that spot to grab him. Do you need proof? Take a look at this pic I found off the internet. The dude even wore his FULL NAME on his uniform, as if anyone would get confused about which Williams was which. (Even Tom Brady doesn’t even have his full name on it, and there are other Brady’s on the Patriots).

At any rate, Ricky ended up being kind of a wash with the Saints and kind of set back the franchise a bit. Then again, ANYONE who traded their entire list of picks for one dude deserve to have the football gods look down upon him. The almighty Hurricane Ditka was fired, and in 2002 Williams was traded to the Dolphins.

Williams had a 1,000 yard season his first year in Miami, and another one this year. Someone said this was the longest time between thousand yard seasons in the history of the NFL. I couldn’t give a fuck less. Sure, dude has great stats and is a great football player. I really don’t care about stuff, though. This dude is a fucking weirdo. Check this out: In 2004 this guy quit football to FUCKING SMOKE WEED AND TEACH A YOGA CLASS. just like that. FUCK YOU EVERYONE I’m sitting down with my traditional holiday bong, taking a few riffs, and I’m going to teach these assholes yoga. No big deal. He also took time to “study” an ancient holistic medicine in California, but that was a front to get medicinal marijuana. I’ll bet anyone reading this blog would want legal weed, too. As an aside, I would, too. So if you see me out…  Moving on.

Most people would just want some Dorito’s or Taco Bell after taking riffs off the Skull Bong, but Williams decided to play for the CFL’s Toronto Argonauts. The CFL is looked down upon by NFL fans because the field is larger and because if the players had any real talent they’d already be playing in the NFL. Williams was so good he played BOTH SIDES OF THE BALL. Even though most of the CFL-ers could not play in the NFL, you (the person reading this) (and yes i’ll break the fourth wall) could not even play in the CFL. Ricky Williams was better than at least one other person on defense who had been playing that his whole life. Ricky probably also continued to smoke all the weed on the planet.

In 2007 Ricky Williams returned to the Miami Dolphins and endured a season ending foot injury on Monday Night Football. In 2008, along with Ronnie Brown and a front office with Bill Parcells, the Dolphins surpised everyone by winning the AFC East. They did this by smoking a ton of weed and realizing that the option was fucking kick ass when they played Pop Warner and would so totally work again because adults that don’t smoke weed don’t understand how to defend it. The only person in the NFL that smokes weed is Charles Oakley and he played for the Chicago Bulls. Charles Oakley LOVES the Wildcat (Editors Note: Ryan made this up). The Wildcat became so popular that nearly everyone followed suit and by 2009 (now for the next 9 days) nearly every team had a Wildcat look in their offensive repertoire.

Ricky Williams will be remembered as being a fantastic NFL running back that made good on all of his hype once there was no longer any hype surrounding him. In real life, I feel like a lot of people are like that. The stress was so great on Ricky that he would shower after a game, put a towel on, put on his football helmet, and do post-game interviews with only a towel and helmet on. Ricky is just some dude with an unbelievable talent for sports that probably doesn’t feel comfortable with all of the media attention that goes a long with it. In my own small way, I can relate to that, which is probably the main reason I like Ricky Williams so much.

That and the weed.